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It has taken me almost three years of retirement to come to a quiet place with my thoughts. Even retirement is not without work. There are always things to do. There are always people who need looking out for. I am no longer driven by deadlines; except at tax time, medical appointments, church duties; well, not 100 percent driven. I am beginning to see gaps when I think about what has happened and wonder how long I will remember.

Why do I wonder how long I will remember? My mother has Alzheimer’s, a terrible disease that robs her of dignity and the affection of her family. Old age should be a golden time of memories and reflection and of satisfaction for having completed a good race. She has none of this, only the pain and dullness and boredom of an existence that seems never to end. Every day starts over like there was no day before.

Alzheimer’s is just beginning to be understood. It is a fatal disease that cannot be reversed. The experts are not even sure they can slow it down or prevent it.

My observations of my mother are that her memory of things long past are faint but easily recalled. But her new memories do not have the capability to take root. Her life is being chomped away from present to past by a voracious PacMan which cannot be stopped. In talking with her, I keep trying to give her evidence of her past to see if she can recall what she says she has forgotten.

Maybe that is why I want to write things down now. If I am doomed to follow the dementia paths of my father and mother then maybe I can extend my life at the end through these memoirs. I need to back up my hard drive.

I take a risk when I try to record everything because I am a product of error and redemption. That is a thorny issue that must be resolved in the work of this memoir. A person who is truly redeemed has no need to remember his sin because it is of no consequence. To be forgiven is to no longer be affected by the consequences of mistakes. A great deal of my life has been mistakes and bad judgment and some things that are not to be committed to print and read by decent people. Maybe though, wading through the muck of my life will make the redemption more remarkable. Maybe I can prevent someone from making those same mistakes and causing unhappiness to their loved ones. I hope.

I have been rehearsing my life lately and find that there are strings that start early in life which lead to events and effects in my present condition. I guess that is my lesson to myself and to my family. Things done at a tender age have long term effects.